Sorry if my friends get brought up in here. Just ignore it. I need someplace to talk and bitch about things, sorry if I sound like I have an ego.
We all have something we want, things we feel we may need, things that we cry about not getting to have, and it could be anything. It could be a new computer, it could be another's love, or it could be a lost relative. Some of us want these things for ourselves, and some for others. Personally, I like to say there is very little I want aside from the ability to help other people. I love being there for others, listening to their problems, helping them with it, being a friend to all those who need it over any topic, be it homework, relationships, family, or more serious things like self harm or suicide. I thrive off doing this, and making new friends. I love having new people I can help out, give cuddles and hugs to, kiss on the cheek to make them laugh when they're sad, and just to be there for and hang with...
This is the one thing that others know I want, truly want, one thing that will never change. That no matter what, I will always want to help people. But, there is another thing that very few people know I want. The one thing I want more than people to help, more than to be someone all I know can rely on. And that is to be able to rely on another. Someone who can do for me, what I like to do for others. Someone who leaves their phone on ring beside their bed so that a friend can wake them up in the middle of the night, and joyfully talk about what's wrong. Someone who is always available for a friend in need. Someone who thrives off giving others the help they desire. For although I always am there for my friends, I always make myself available so that they have a shoulder to lean on, I have no one who is able to be there for me like I am for them, no one who is there for me to call in the middle of the night with something stupid, no one who I can talk to when I'm crying about the fact that I won't get the chance to hold the one person I want to more than anyone else, no one who can comfort me when I find out my own sister doesn't like it when I hug, no one to talk to when I'm arguing with a good friend. No one to be there for me as I am for my friends. And maybe that's why I like making so many friends, because I'm hoping that collectively, they will be able to form for me the one thing I desire most of all, collectively all my friends will be able to form a single mass that provides me a shoulder to cry on, to help me feel better without having to be told to, to always be there for me when I need anything from just one person to talk to cuddle to hug to kiss to just be able to help me feel better when I'm lying in my bed crying about something stupid because everyone else in the world is asleep and the only comfort I have is my pillow to cry on and hug and nobody who can wrap their arms around me and make me feel warm and safe and help me to stop crying. I show a lot of joy, because I am joyful, it is said that those who show the most happiness actually hurt the most, but for me it is simply because I am happy to have so many who show their sadness to me and because I see joy in life, but I always have my sadness, I always have my moments of crying, and pain, and these moments come around when there is no one else to help, because everyone is asleep or I can't communicate with them, and it is at these moments that I just need someone who can be there for me to cheer me up and hold me, someone who can return to me the love I try to constantly give the world. I am not angry that I don't get it, I am not jealous of those I give to, I am not thinking that the love I give needs to be requited for it to be fair, I just want to have someone who can requite it, be it a loving girlfriend who lives a short distance away, or simply a friend with their ringer on beside their bed in case a call comes in the middle of the night.
Sorry for those who were referenced in here. I just needed to write this out. Maybe someone who can do this will read it.